True story- researchers gave boys and girls lemonade that tasted like salt, not sugar. Unlike the boys, the girls politely choked it down, later admitting they didn’t want to make the researchers feel bad.
Whaaat? This makes me crazy!
The habit of accommodating and the practice of politeness is somehow still ingrained in girls from a young age. The overwhelming need to please, at times above all else, is real.
Why am I writing about this topic as we reach the end of an eventful year when you are likely thinking about holidays, maybe the general state of things, and planning for 2021?
Thinking about ways to serve my clients going forward, I see this topic is soooo common. The question of, do I drink the salty lemonade, rears its ugly head in the form of creating boundaries, when to say yes and when to say no. It arrises so often with my clients, in a variety of ways including in relationships, TO DO lists, in families, time management, and work commitments.
Being clear about what to say yes to will help you create success in your relationships, personal life and your work. It will bring you deep peace.
Being clear about what you say no to will reduce stress, burnout and resentment.
If like many people, you aren’t already stellar in this area of clear boundaries, read on… there are a few ideas here to help you along.
~ Step 1: Awareness + honesty. Write down all the ways you are saying yes to something you’d prefer NOT to do. What are you tolerating? Be honest with yourself!
~ Step 2: Identify why you are saying yes and decide if it’s worth it. You don’t have to change anything until you’re ready. You may have a very valid reason for saying yes AND you may decide it’s no longer worth your time, frustration, exhaustion.
~ Step 3: Pick one and only ONE small thing to say no to. It is a first step towards a gradual shift.
~ Step 4: Identify 3-5 of your very most important life values. Take some time, don’t just wing it. Get very clear. Use these as a compass for when you say yes, and when you say no.
~ Step 5: Beginning with step 1, acknowledge that it takes courage to draw a line in the sand. LOTS of it. This is truly one of the hardest things for (many) women to do. I KNOW, we are in the 21st century, but it is still true.
Each step is important! Self-awareness is always a good place to start when you are working on personal development. Step 2 is your cost benefit analysis. You are pushing yourself to question past behavior and choices. Give yourself as much time as you need to assess before moving onto 3. In step 3, be sure to make it very small, so it’s doable and you feel success.
There is a big leap between steps 3 and 4. Three is about making small shifts, usually the most effective & sustainable way to make change happen. Four is asking yourself for massive commitment.
People often skip step 3 and try to make giant changes all at once, especially at the new year. This work for some people, but backfires for most. Small steps last, and brain has time to learn to ways of being and acting.
If you aren’t used to putting yourself first, or at least not last, setting strong boundaries can be oh so tricky! You are not alone! It can feel like a slippery slope into feeling that nasty S word: SELFISH!
I promise it is not selfish. It is self-respect. It is self-loving. It is focusing on what you value most rather than focusing on people liking you. You can not be all the things to all people without consequences.
If you have kids, what are you modeling for them around personal limits and expectations?
In your business, what happens when you aren't clear about your work hours, who you service, availability, or what you are unwilling to waver on?
If you have a partner with whom you don’t speak directly and clearly about what you, yes you, want and don’t want, are you taking good care of yourself? Are you becoming resentful because you are always giving or feeling depleted, overlooked or worse, ignored?
In your work life or your personal life, are you overwhelmed or exhausted from trying to do ALL THE THINGS?
Ok, enough questions. If yes, please go back to the 5 steps. :)
How do some women do it, you may find yourself asking. They juggle soo many things and make it look like a breeze.
Well, I’m here to tell you that one of two things is true: Either it is not a breeze and what you see on the outside is not what is going on on the inside, OR you don’t yet know the tricks behind the scenes… and guess what? One of the tricks is good boundaries.
Only say yes to lemonade when it is delicious is a powerful metaphor for how you live your life.
Therefore…
I’m offering a new program:
Building Boundaries for Life & Work
This is for you if:
You are often overwhelmed from juggling priorities.
You find yourself plagued by guilt when you choose yourself.
As a mom or a business owner, you are reaching burnout due to lack of boundaries around your time & energy.
Your energy is continually depleted from giving too much.
You have all good intentions, but just can’t seem to get this boundary thing.
And only if…
You are ready to move yourself off the back burner.
You want to learn & implement new sustainable habits.
In this 4 week program starting Monday Jan 25th at 7-8:30 PM by zoom you will:
Develop clarity on when to say yes and when to say no
Experience the peace & space that comes from clear & firm boundaries
Create more energy
Be yourself, not who others want you to be
Receive powerful coaching and group support to create and sustain a powerful plan of action
Please contact me at coachellielane@gmail.com, we'll schedule a brief chat to see if this group is a good fit for you.
For more information visit: ellielanecoaching.com/programs
Receive a special holiday savings when register by Jan. 6th. thereafter, cost is $395.
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