EQ is a Game Changer

When I taught and ran groups on DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) a few decades ago, one of the emotional regulation skills that was important was simply being able to name feelings.

For people who have a hard time regulating their emotions, this piece can be a struggle – and it’s often not something we learn as kids- we learn the basics of being sad, mad, and happy. Thankfully, more and more programs in and out of schools are being created to support all kids with emotional wellbeing.

That being said, what about the emotional wellbeing of functioning and high performing adults? It turns out that many of us adults have a hard time naming emotions as well. While emotion management may not require in depth therapy, it may be worth taking a look if you have habits that aren’t working well for you. ( Hint: we all do)

Of course you know there are a whole slew of feelings beyond sad, mad, and happy which you can dig into easily if you choose – and if you google Brene Brown or Susan David and you’ll see the research on shame, embarrassment, joy, and managing emotions in all sort of regular life scenarios.

Other research in the last 10-20 years has taught us that optimism is learned (Seligman). This is great news!!  Are you or someone you know a glass half empty person?  With some time and attention, optimism can be developed.

What I want you to see is that when we choose to direct our lives, including tuning in to and knowing our own feelings, we get to show up how we want. We get to respond to what comes our way how we want.  It's never perfect - we'll all screw it up sometimes. 

We are much more powerful when we know ourselves. If you tend to err on the side of hopelessness - which isn't all that hard to do with the state of the world -  tune in to that and ask yourself how you might allow optimism in.

If you tend to be stressed, overwhelmed or down lately, ask yourself where you can see and feel moments of joy. It can spontaneously happen, but when we aren’t accustomed to it, we need to put attention there purposely.

As with building confidence, practice over time is the name of the game.

Emotional intelligence has been called the soft skills in the business world, but I actually think they are harder.  It's a cop out to say they are soft - as if it's weak to focus on skills of awareness, empathy, connection or grief, sadness or joy for that matter.  I've seen people study computer science for a few years and get really good at it, yet others spend decades developing their emotional intelligence. 

What have you stuck with that’s important to you? It was probably clear to you why it was important and there was strong feeling behind it.

What feeling can you name that you’d like more of? Maybe it’s optimism or joy, but could be anything. How are you willing to deliberately cultivate it?

To your continued success and have fun!

Ellie

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And...

Whenever you are ready to take your growth and success to the next level, here are 4 ways to work with me:

1. Uncramp your Leadership Style. A four month 1:1/microgroup hybrid for driven women with a track record of success, expanding their leadership and putting the kibash on thinking patterns and habits that disrupt their progress.  

NEXT COHORT BEGINS IN JANUARY - EMAIL ME FOR 2023 PROGRAM INFO. 

    *Unleash your Leadership Style for our next 25-35 year old cohort  also begins Jan. 2023

2. Use the Enneagram as your personal development map. I'm now offering stand alone sessions. The Enneagram is a profound tool for looking at how you think, act, and feel, and a true guide with many strategies for growth. 1 OPENING IN DEC. 

3. 1:1 coaching. Tailored plans for individual needs/goals. 6 - 12 month engagements. 

4. Thinking partnership. Do you have a business idea, a project, or an idea? You want to strategize, brainstorm? This is not coaching - it's focused and short term, a space to work out your next big life shift. 

Interested in any of the above, email me: coachellielane@gmail.com

How do I find my voice and what would I say, anyway?

For many women, speaking up or taking up space is uncomfortable at best, downright terrifying and the thing to most avoid, at worst. 

What if I’m not good enough, smart enough or what I say or do means rejection?

What if I upset someone I love?  Will they still love me?  What if I fail?  No one listens, I’m ignored, or insulted?

What if my intuitions or ideas are flawed?

I have too much to say, but what’s actually important, needed, wanted?

Longstanding worries carve deep grooves in the sub-conscious and can live there until we excavate and create new firmly planted beliefs in the mind.  That’s the long game –

What do we do now  to speak up and take up space?

First, find the courage to start.  For some people this is so accessible – they just do stuff.  For others, it feels like trudging up the tallest mountain or crawling out of a deep pit.

(whatever the thing is – a tough conversation, a new project), move through those doubts and fears, perfectionism, whatever is in the way.

Don’t allow yourself to stay stuck in the thoughts – they will steal your precious time and attention.  The first principle of personal power is taking the power away from your thoughts. 

In the ancient Jewish tradition, there is a teaching that says, first do then understand.  The essence of something’s value will then become clear.

Start experimenting by taking small steps.  Awkward, uncomfortable movement with mistakes FULL of learning.

You know the toddler metaphor?  I use it a lot. Babies/toddlers don’t hang around thinking, can I do this thing called walking? They just go.  Fall. Go. Fall. Go. They are experimenting until they get it. Of course, their drive is innate and that’s the most powerful one, but we can still draw from the baby experience.

We all had that courage back then, and it’s still within you. 

Finding your voice or taking up space actually occurs in the doing. The practicing.

It’s easy to get tangled in trying to figure out the how. 

One of the absolute best books I’ve read lately is, Cassandra Speaks When Women are the Storytellers The Human Story Changes.

Holy moly, if the topic of women’s advancement and empowerment is in your heart – which it SHOULD BE if you’re on the receiving end of this newsletter –

READ this book.

Elizabeth Lesser speaks loud and clear to me about how it’s time to shift the power model in the world.

Speaking up, yes I’ll use the word, authentically – in a way that fits for you- and taking up space – in a way that fits for you, is crucial for the landscape of the future of our girls and boys.

I urge you – for you, for others who can learn and benefit from your wisdom, for next generations, go take one baby step right now.

A few steps I’ve taken recently that I am amped up about.

The fall cohort of UNCRAMP YOUR LEADERSHIP STYLE is off and running, and I’m excited to offer it again Jan. 2023.  {see below}

Stay tuned for an end of year deep dive, precious time carved out for you to: 

Have your thinking challenged

Propel yourself forward 

Enter the discomfort and excitement of what's next for you

Give yourself permission to grow in ways you didn't think were possible

Dream bigger than before 

And...

Whenever you are ready to take your growth and success to the next level, here are 4 ways to work with me:

1. Uncramp your Leadership Style. A four month 1:1/microgroup hybrid for driven women with a track record of success, expanding their leadership and putting the kibash on thinking patterns and habits that disrupt their progress.  FALL GROUP IS FULL - EMAIL ME FOR 2023 PROGRAM INFO. 

***  Unleash your Leadership Style for our next 25-40 year old cohort begins Jan. 2023
2. Use the Enneagram as your personal development map. I'm now offering stand alone sessions even if you aren't a client. The Enneagram is a profound tool for looking at how you think, act, and feel, and a true guide with many strategies for growth. 2 spots open this fall season. 

3. 1:1 coaching. Tailored plans for individual needs/goals. 3- 12 month engagements. 

4. Thinking partnership. Do you have a business idea, a project, or an idea? You want to strategize, brainstorm? This is not coaching - it's focused and short term, a space to work out your next big life shift. Email me with thinking partnership in the subject line, and we'll talk about how this may serve you.

Interested in any of the above, email me: ellielanecoaching@gmail.com

Sign up here to receive my bi-weekly newsletter full of ideas, insights and tips on self-leadership and designing your personal and professional success, from the inside out.

The Freedom of No

Several years ago, I was meeting with a mentor around the holidays sharing my loooong work to-do list for year end. 

"Ellie, she said, I don't know about you, but I like to slow down this time of year."  

Stopped me in my tracks.  I was unaware of being IN the frenzy. 

What was I doing?  Adding MORE to get done, when I KNEW what was most important was time with family and friends.  

Putting pressure on myself - expectations of external success. 

One thing I've learned for sure is, 

The long to-do list is just a story we create about worth, success, happiness. 

AND, here is the cool part: saying no often allows us to the create space we need for our top priorities.

Giving yourself room to breathe, to not have a calendar that is back to back, allows time and attention to create life as you want to live it.

You decide.

We know good ideas come in the shower, driving, running, or when you’re just waking up.

It's no coincidence these are moments of non-busyness, of space.

Warren Buffet said, “Really successful people say no to almost everything.”

Brene Brown has found in her research, "The most generous, loving, compassionate people are the most boundaried people."

It's counterintuitive.  We are often brought up to believe busyness is a sign of success, the way to get ahead, maybe of being popular, and we don't want to miss out.  Illusions of the mind.  

If these past few years taught us anything, it is to look at what is truly important to us. Sure, you can go back to the hustle, if you want to. 

Clear and firm boundaries:

• Allow you to show up as yourself, giving up the nice girl, good girl persona

• Prompt you to say no to too many projects

• Lead you to create time for your health, family or other parts of your life that are very important to you

• Help you get clear on what YOU want – Are you waiting until you’re 50, 60, or 70?

• Give you peace of mind and body

• Create communication that supports loving relationships

• Create clear agreements at work or home

• Allow you to give up the, “that’s just the way it is” mantra

• Show you the way to remembering yourself

• Create FREEDOM

I was meeting with a client recently, talking about boundaries, priorities, and when she declined getting involved in something, she had a powerful insight:  

I never have to have that feeling for the rest of my life.

The feeling of allowing pressure to please to dictate decisions.

It was an acute awareness of the freedom to decide when she wanted to say yes and when to say no. 

The practice of going inside ourselves yields a personal power and freedom that's unstoppable.

What does internal freedom look like to you?

Far too many women are molding to the beliefs and wishes of others, and they lose sight of their own needs and wants. Watch out, it can be subtle.

How we talk to our daughters or young girls in our lives about being assertive, knowing who they are and what they want, and about expressing themselves is so important, and because there are so many more conversations in the world now about women advancing, we are in an ever evolving stronger position to be even more influential role models.

What would you add to this list? 

Reflect on it - what has being clear and firm in your own boundaries offered you or if that hasn't occurred yet in your life, what could be possible?

I’d love to hear from you.

If you are interested in deep personal growth to create freedom, strong relationships, and building a successful business check out my next Bold New Boundaries group here: Ellielanecoaching.com/programs and email me to see if it's a good fit. coachellielane@gmail.com

To your internal freedom,

Ellie

Work hard, Fail, Keep going!

I don’t believe this means 100 hour work weeks, yet hard work still leads to creating the success you want in your business – and confidence is a result. 

The idea of work smarter spearheaded a whole new version of what a workday looks like. 

And, we can do all the inner work – which I’m a huge advocate of- yet self confidence still results from the mastery and from doing challenging work.  

I’ve used the example before of the toddler trying to walk. Fall, get up, fall, get up… the mastery leads to… “I’ve got this, yay me!!”

What do we as adults do when the baby falls? We clap, we get excited for them.  They fall and we congratulate their effort, we don’t judge their falling down.

The baby’s confidence builds after working hard at walking. 

Part of the formula for strengthening confidence IS doing challenging work. Wondering if you should embark on something you love and you may fail – Yes, go for it!

Strong Boundaries are Compassionate

Clear and firm boundaries are not selfish. Not mean. Not bitchy. 

They are an expression of compassion towards yourself and others.

Knowing what is ok and not ok for you in terms of how you are treated and how you treat yourself is a very clear way to build self-confidence.  

Why? 

Because acting in accordance with your true values builds self-confidence. 

Because treating yourself well builds a sense of, I matter, and that builds self-confidence. 

Because it is much easier to feel confident when we are not exhausted from over-giving. 

Setting clear and firm boundaries also communicates, I respect myself and my time, and you should too.

I was working with a client last year who had taken on a new, high-powered job while running her own business. 

She worked with me on setting boundaries from the start so that she didn’t soon find herself overwhelmed working 100 hours a week.

This can be hard, depending on your work culture and the lessons you learned in childhood.  

When you know your value (write yourself a list of ALL the experience, trainings, knowledge you bring to your work), it’s easier to be clear with a boss about what you are willing to do.

Clear and firm boundaries also give you freedom! 

If you are willing to work endlessly, over time, you obviously lose other parts of your life. 

If you are always available when certain people want you, over time, you lose your energy.

When you feel overly responsible for the care or feelings of others too much of the time, becoming tired or resentful, you might lose the essence of your loving soul.

By the way, if you are mom, by role modeling this way of being for your girls and boys, you are demonstrating what respect, love, taking charge of your life, confidence and freedom looks like. 

I feel so strongly about the concept of healthy boundaries for women, that I created a group.

Building Boundaries for Work & Life

Our next 4 session group begins Wed. April 14th 5-6:30 EST on Zoom. 

• Learn why it’s so hard to set boundaries

• Create and maintain space for yourself

• Lose the guilt

• Communicate what you want clearly

• Set new parameters for when/how you give of yourself that is in alignment for YOU

• Build new beliefs around the concept of selfishness

• Effectively handle push back from people in your life

• Take new weekly steps, putting boundaries in place

Please contact me at coachellielane@gmail.com to schedule a brief chat to see if this group is a good fit for you.

For more information visit: ellielanecoaching.com/programs

Receive an early bird special when you register by 3/28!

Your Thoughts are Only Thoughts

You cannot control all of your thoughts AND you can manage the direction of your thoughts.

Once we recognize that we are not our thoughts, that they come when they come, and there are many of them - some research says many tens of thousands a day - we can learn to be unattached, and our confidence no longer depends on what we think. 

What a relief, isn’t it??

Let this sink in for a moment. What if  your confidence did not depend on what you think? What if you could hear and just notice your thoughts, and say, “oh, that’s interesting?”

Will you try it? Practice being unattached.  Be an observer, with awareness, without judgement.  Step back and be a little curious. 

Remember, awareness without  judgement.  

It is only when we attach meaning to our thoughts that our reality is created.  You do not have to create a meaning…

Let’s say I make a mistake at work. My thought is something like, “What an idiot. Why would I screw that up? or my thought is, “ I made a mistake. That is not what I intended.” 

Aren’t I likely to feel quite different?  Isn’t the former likely to affect my confidence?

And guess what – most of us do this many, many times a day to ourselves!

So, watch your own mind!  Yes, listen to yourself because you can be a director in your mind, if you choose to. 

Building the mental muscle takes practice.  

Managing your mind is the foundation for success. You can have all the systems, marketing, goals, planning, etc… but if you aren’t running the show of your mind, you won’t get to where you are meant to be.